Grappling with Nothingness, Nihilism and Absolute Groundlessness

Upon witnessing groundlessness.

Fear.

Fear.

Fear.

Nowhere to stand.

An ever-changing horizon.

Who am I?

What am I?

I ask myself.

Over and over again I wonder.

What on earth am I?

I yearn for something deeper.

A transcendence.

A surrender of the most extreme totality.

Yet I'm afraid.

My entire being clenches upon the smallest glimpse of nothingness.

What if I go insane?

What if I'm never the same again after diving into groundlessness.

We all want something more.

But never being the same again contains the possibility of change for for the worse.

Lost in nothingness.

Insane — Not sane.

Not of mind.

In a world of mind.

In a world of concepts.

In a world of distinctions.

What I want, I have no clue.

I desperately cling for something to stand on.

For some sort of solid identity.

Some sort of solid sense of self.

Some sort of comfort.

Some sort of security.

But it eludes me.

I'm lost in a vast ocean.

Finding myself in the world.

I yearn from the security I once had as a child.

Walking home from school to my siblings and parents.

Nothing to worry about but play and exploration.

It feels like yesterday.

And it hits me.

These past years of my life passed me by in mere moments.

My entire life as impermanent as a passing glance.

I can't help but feel deep nihilism.

Deep existential confusion.

I've been told the shortness of life is a call towards celebration.

That life is a gift.

Yet it doesn't feel that way.

Inspiration sparks quite often.

Yet descends into nihilism just as quickly.

Deep visions for the evolution of humanity and consciousness are present.

But followed by a deep sense of

"What's the point?"

Maybe two sides of the same coin.

I don't know.

Who knows.

Let's dance.

Let's laugh.

Let's love.

Uncertainty.

My dear friend.

Uncertainty.

My dear friend.

Much love dear humans,

Coming at you from toasty Mexico

I hope you all are doing well. I wanted to share something a bit more raw with you today, something that gets a little closer to the heart of some of the challenges of this awakening and growth process.